Here are some of the progressive stages of grief observed in some parents who are dealing with the sexual abuse of their child.
- 1) Denial: It is a normal reaction for any parent to have some amount of denial when first hearing the news that their child was abused. Over time, the denial usually gives way to the stage of grief.
- 2) Anger: Once acceptance has begun, anger will follow. It could be anger toward the abuser, child, or even yourself. The anger includes the realization that you, as a parent, experience loss too.
- 3) Bargaining: You may move from anger to a bargaining stage as you begin to accept that the abuse occurred. You may begin to struggle with the level of impact that the abuse had on the child, your family, and the need for recovery. Recovery can take a long time; try not to minimize the impact that the abuse has on you and your family. Avoid giving messages that it will just go away.
- 4) Depression or Sadness: A normal response to serious changes suddenly forced upon one’s life is sadness and depression. As you move through this stage you may come to realize the extent of the changes, and the degree of the impact that the abuse had on your child and the rest of the family. You may acknowledge that recovery could be a long term process, and that sexual abuse does not just go away.
- 5) Acceptance: When you enter this stage, you are starting to accept the facts and the impact of the sexual abuse. You will no longer fear the recovery and healing processes in this stage, and you will realize and acknowledge that your child and family can survive the losses, changes, and recovery process.
Helpful and Harmful Reactions
At the time of your child’s disclosure of abuse, your reaction will play a very large part in how your child and family begin to cope and heal.
- Believe and acknowledge the experience. Your child will learn from you as a parent, and from other adults about the meaning of their experience. For a young person, the most harmful parental reaction is disbelief or punishment. This reaction teaches the child that they cannot trust their own inner sense of right and wrong. It also teaches the child that the consequence for disclosure is a negative reaction.
- Limit your child’s contact with others who are not supportive or believing of the abuse. Contact with unsupportive people may cause additional stress for the child. It can also lead to the child recanting, or changing their mind about disclosure of the abuse because of repeated questioning and disbelief.
- Show support and reassurance. You can tell your child that you are sorry about what happened to them, and that it was not okay for the abuser to do what they did. Some children will benefit from reassurances that they will be protected from the abuser, however avoid reassuring them falsely. This can contribute to the child’s feeling of helplessness.
- Talk with your child. Avoid showing your child that you are in a great deal of stress. Use a calm voice, and avoid emotional reactions. Young children especially feel responsible for parental reactions and feelings. Your child needs to know that you can survive the abuse experience with them.
- Reassure your child that it was not their fault. Your child will suffer a more negative impact from the abuse if they feel responsible for it. Also tell your child that it was right for them to tell you, and it took a lot of courage.
- Avoid blaming questions. The abuser is the only one to blame. Reactions like, “why didn’t you tell me?” or “how could this happen?” intensify a child’s sense of blame.
- Avoid minimizing the event. Instead, accept their feelings with empathy and validation.
- Avoid treating your child differently. Your child could feel damaged and different because of the abuse. Keep daily routines and reduce changes.
Helping Your Child Cope
Behavioral changes are to be expected following a sexual abuse experience. These changes are normal responses to a highly stressful experience, even though that experience has stopped because of disclosure. Children have limited verbal skills in expressing their stress, therefore most children will express their feelings through their behavior.
Not all children are affected by abuse in the same way however, and there are many factors that can positively influence the behavior and coping skills of your child.
- Support and belief of parents: This is the most significant factor that can reduce the negative impact of sexual abuse on your child. When a parent/child relationship is relatively healthy, the negative impact is reduced for the child.
- Your child’s internal coping resources: Some children are more resilient, especially if they have experienced fewer stressful experiences in their lives. Children who have already experienced violence may have lower self-esteem and resiliency. They may face greater difficulties. Children who experience sexual abuse accompanied with physical abuse, and threats or intimidation, appear to be more seriously affected as well.
- Age and development: Professionals believe that the younger your child is, or the younger their developmental stage, the more serious the negative side effects of abuse. Girls and boys also tend to process the effects of abuse differently. Where boys tend to act out their anger, girls are more prone to hold their anger inside, and direct it toward themselves.
- The child’s relationship to the abuser: Children who have a trusting relationship with the abuser tend to feel the effects of abuse more than those who were abused by a baby-sitter or non-family member.
There are some thoughts and questions that you can ask yourself to determine how your child is coping with the sexual abuse:
- 1) How long has your child been experiencing the behaviors?
- 2) How intense or frequent is the behavior?
- 3) Is your child having behavioral difficulties at home, school, day care, or in all of these settings?
- 4) Is the behavior interfering with your child’s ability to function or get through everyday routines?
- 5) Is the behavior disturbing or upsetting the everyday routine of your family?
- 6) Could your child’s behavior be a result of a new “stage” of development experienced by most children his/her age and not specifically related to the abuse?
- 7) Is your child accepting of help from you to change the problematic behavior?
If these behaviors persist over time, or you feel overwhelmed and unable to help your child for whatever reason, you may decide to seek professional counseling or guidance. Many survivors of abuse, along with their families, seek help through counseling.
There are specific behaviors that often come up in parenting a child who has been sexually abused. Here are some behaviors, and possible ways to deal with them if they occur with your child.
Fears
- Fear of recurrence of the abuse.
- Fear of threats or retaliation by the abuser.
- Fear of a negative reaction by parents.
- Fear of people who have physical features similar to the abuser.
- Fear in the form of anger or physical complaints like stomach aches
You can help your children to overcome unreasonable fears. Here are a few ways.
- Have a nonjudgmental and supportive attitude.
- Validate their fears with questions and suggestions.
- Provide explanations and reassurance.
- Reflect your child's feelings and language to help them learn to identify their feelings.
- Model calmness and provide a message of optimism that your child can survive their fears.
- Make a safety plan with your child if they fear their abuser.
- Teach your child "self-talk" to get through potentially scary situations ("I can do this" or "I am brave").
- Read books about other children who have fears. Your child will feel normal, not different.
- Encourage playing to act out coping with fear.
- Help a child use relaxation techniques to reduce their levels of fear and stress.
- Some children create their own rituals and routines to feel safer.
Nightmares
Night terrors: Child will thrash about wildly, screaming, and appearing to be intensely frightened. The child appears to be awake, but is not. They can also appear to be confused and unable to communicate.
(If your child experiences night terrors, it is usually best not to try to wake him or her. Most children will gradually relax and can then be encouraged to lay down and fall back asleep.Night terrors are not as common as nightmares in abused children.)
Nightmares: These are more common in children and are frequently associated with stress. In cases of nightmares, your child may wake you up crying or yelling in fear. These experiences can be intense and frightening for your child, and they may have difficulty getting back to sleep.
- You can comfort your child by staying with them until they fall asleep.
- Help your child distinguish between their nightmares and reality.
- Provide other forms of verbal and physical reassurance.
- Reassure your child that other children have nightmares when they are scared.
- Read books about other children's nightmares.
- Encourage bedtime routines like quiet time, stories, music, or talking.
- Think up and act out safe or humorous endings to nightmares.
Sexualized Behaviors
Sexual behaviors observed in preschool and school aged children are part of normal sexual development. However, when children are sexually abused, they are prematurely introduced to sexual stimulation and pleasure that they are unable to understand and cope with because of their young age. Many of their sexual behaviors are a learned response to the perpetrator and abusive acts. This kind of abuse may also increase your child's normal interest in sexual matters. You may notice that your child's level of distress is reflected in their behavior. Young children who are sexually abused appear to have more problem behaviors in the area of sexuality, such as:
- Excessive masturbation.
- Sexual acting out with peers.
- Age inappropriate sexual behaviors.
- Confusion over sexual identity and what is sexually appropriate between children and adults.
You can help your child with these problems by maintaining a matter of fact, nonjudgmental and firm attitude. Reacting in this way reduces the powerfulness of their behavior.
- Reflect your child's confusion ("You must be confused about what is okay, I'll help you"), and follow-up with specific expectations and limits.
- Explain the limits in a matter of fact tone and with simple language. For example, when masturbation is done in public, explain to your child that it can be done in the bathroom or bedroom, but not the grocery store.
- Distract your child with soothing alternatives other than masturbation before sleep (quiet music or a backrub).
- Interrupt public masturbation without punishing and suggest an alternative behavior such as playing a game.
- Supervise your child's play with peers and toys. Interrupt play and set appropriate limits or redirect play if needed.
- If you witness sexual play, you can choose to interrupt or give your child time to re-enact or replay their experiences with abuse. If your child, however, appears to re-enact abuse often or repetitively, you can help your child to recognize safer endings to these situations. If you have difficulty helping your child with these kinds of behaviors, you can also consult with a therapist or counselor for help.
- Teach your child accurate sex education and sexuality information. Use the correct terms for body parts and behaviors, and correct misinformation.
- If your child acts out sexually with their peers, use phrases such as, "it's up to you to make sure you give only safe touches," "it is not okay for _____ to touch your penis/vagina, and it is not okay for you to touch ____ in their penis/vagina."
- If your child's behaviors are provocative or seductive, use phrases such as, "I like it much better when you give me a hug and kiss like this (demonstrate)." You can also explain, "I think you are confused about what are okay ways of showing that you love."
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Parenting A Sexually Abused Child